HisCoffeeSpoons

Okay so heya! Haha I am in the worst condition again!  As expected! Hehe Okay, let me put the date on! (22 June 2021) Umm okay, to be honest, I don't think I can take it anymore. It's too hard on me. I accept that I am weak and naive and childish to understand it fully! Today I wanted to harm myself again. I wanted to do it so that I can let my emotions out, but for some reason, I am not able to show any of it.   It may sound childish but for some reason, I cannot show them, I can't cry, feel pain, fear, pressure. All I feel is anxiety and some sort of thing that is eating me inside. I want to let it out but I don't even know that what it is. I feel so terrible. I wanted to see that I can cry or not, I wanted to feel pain because it is oddly satisfying. I want to cry my heart out so that I don't mourn over some unknown pain anymore. I don't know what it is. If you say that I should share it with someone, I become so blank that I couldn't even come up with a ...

  Here for an update. Hehe so yeah, nvm I am starting this new schedule and sinking in it. Currently, I am loving it I suppose.  I am watching less anime than usual. And I am studying and working. I want to work very hard so that I can give it what it takes. Not to be pressurizing myself but I kinda like my life this way. It is well organized, and I work all the time, no room left for overthinking and stuff. But yeah have to relax and Lil bit I suppose.  Watched anime after the whole 2-3 days and tbh, I wanted to watch the whole series and somehow I stopped myself(i am proud of myself) and got back to study.  Internals are scheduled from 28th and gotta prepare, I will not rush, will how much I can and how my speed is.  I am all rusty I think, just need to oil the gears,yk. And I do want to watch anime. But meh, nvm. Okay?  Yeah and I don't even have time to spend with myself so will have to figure it out and bro! Waking up in the morning sucks nuts. I never...

  Haven't thought I will be here this early again but heya So today I am here not because I am feeling down or something, bruh I feel so frustrated and angry not on anyone else but me myself!   Why I am being such a disc and not studying? He said I am going to be a loser because I am not studying maybe, I am not putting efforts  I am not giving it what it takes, why I am such a fool. I opted for it because somewhere I knew I would do this. I am hardworking, not start working tho. I want to study, I am not mumbling that I am so good at this, but I somewhere feel that I cannot do this, I wanna cry and scream and feel it I am such a stupid creep. I cannot even study properly! They are spending a lot on me! And look at me, not caring even. I want to do it. I want to study! But why I am not putting in that effort? I am so unsatisfied with myself that I cannot even believe that is it the real me? Bruh, I am not giving it even 10%. I have to do something else I am not gonna...

 Heya!  So feeling kinda down lately so wanted to pour my  heart here.  So today was kinda tragic.  --It's been long, huh? Since you started getting deadly thoughts inside my head, you were fine a while back but now? Again? What do you even want from your life? To be happy? But you know what you have to understand that none can be happy always, you have to work to be happy and cheerful and optimistic. But you have to understand that it isn't your fault. You are still learning, you are just started you dumbass, don't be so brutal to yourself.  I know, but sometimes it very hard to be happy and you just want to crash and cry and be in dark! Well, it's okay it is in dark, you know what? You can see light clearly when you are in dark, so better walk in that direction and woosh, you can find light easily. Easier to say than done, ya fool! I know I know, no denying that but how can you say if you haven't started yet? Try you, dumbo, and work. Work until you feel ...