HisCoffeeSpoons

 Hey! Sorry I forgot that I used to write this?!??!  HOW'S YOU?  I am alright, I am good!!!  NO YOU'RE NOT! I am fine  K.BYE. Okay I sick, fever and a little stressed over so many things. I am clueless and scared too. Everything is messed up, I can't untangle my emotions, my feelings, and my life's mystery. This sucks 🥲 OKAY! TRY HARDER NEXT TIME! what? You won't give a lecture?  ARE YOU TELLING ME THE TRUTH? okay!!!! Bloody hell *Ron's style* okay I am sad. And stressed out because of so many things and imma list them for you! ~What if exams were offline and I won't be able to pass anyone of them. Yk it's hard  ~ I cannot cry, again. I am bottled up  ~ Don't know how to complete my pending tasks ~ I am sick, yk I took 3 tabs togather?!  ~ mum and papa don't let me be in peace  ~ I want to have a good crying session ~not ready to go to college ~ pre-assuming things  ~ fear of being alone ~ kanu wants me to come meet her, I don't wa...

So yeah hey, I am fine now, literally living :)  Okay, so it has been hard for me to process my emotions and feelings. I can not understand myself only it's pissing me off. I get irritated easily, but it's not like me. It's like I am a different person, and I don't like this new person. Umm am I even making sense? *Raanjhana in bg*  I am arguing with people for no cause, fighting with mum, and staying away from family. These deadly thoughts are so worse. Duh, sometimes I think why do I have such an ability to think about things in deep? I don't freaking want it. I want to be normal. I don't want an extraordinary life I just want to be happy and at peace :) this is what I am asking for. But I ain't getting it soon ig.  The only fun moment for weeks has been me watching CID. I am planning to wake up early in the morning and drinking water and meditating later having black coffee and studying ig. *mai pershaan on loop in bg* I wanted to share something;-; it...

 Well, I can't say rn that how am I feeling. I am numb. I don't know what to do actually! Yk you are at that phase of life where everything just happens and you just sit down and see it happening and you don't know how to react because if you do react it can turn worse(pre-assuming)and overthinking!  Sometimes I feel life is better without me, like no me, no blah blah blah blah! Life kinda sucks, but it's beautiful too. Well, it cannot be all good every time. I have to face bad after good! Yeah? Right?  What is my life about? What are my goals? My dreams? What am I living for?  I think I am just doing what needs to be done, and not living for the future! But kab tak?  Bruh! You have to decide what you are living for, else you will be clueless and will roam here and there!  Well, I do have some dreams! Not going to Japan and all, it is one of the few. Sometimes I feel I took it the wrong way:/ this whole engineering thing sucks nuts XD  BUT KNOW WHAT?...

Okay so heya! Haha I am in the worst condition again!  As expected! Hehe Okay, let me put the date on! (22 June 2021) Umm okay, to be honest, I don't think I can take it anymore. It's too hard on me. I accept that I am weak and naive and childish to understand it fully! Today I wanted to harm myself again. I wanted to do it so that I can let my emotions out, but for some reason, I am not able to show any of it.   It may sound childish but for some reason, I cannot show them, I can't cry, feel pain, fear, pressure. All I feel is anxiety and some sort of thing that is eating me inside. I want to let it out but I don't even know that what it is. I feel so terrible. I wanted to see that I can cry or not, I wanted to feel pain because it is oddly satisfying. I want to cry my heart out so that I don't mourn over some unknown pain anymore. I don't know what it is. If you say that I should share it with someone, I become so blank that I couldn't even come up with a ...

  Here for an update. Hehe so yeah, nvm I am starting this new schedule and sinking in it. Currently, I am loving it I suppose.  I am watching less anime than usual. And I am studying and working. I want to work very hard so that I can give it what it takes. Not to be pressurizing myself but I kinda like my life this way. It is well organized, and I work all the time, no room left for overthinking and stuff. But yeah have to relax and Lil bit I suppose.  Watched anime after the whole 2-3 days and tbh, I wanted to watch the whole series and somehow I stopped myself(i am proud of myself) and got back to study.  Internals are scheduled from 28th and gotta prepare, I will not rush, will how much I can and how my speed is.  I am all rusty I think, just need to oil the gears,yk. And I do want to watch anime. But meh, nvm. Okay?  Yeah and I don't even have time to spend with myself so will have to figure it out and bro! Waking up in the morning sucks nuts. I never...

  Haven't thought I will be here this early again but heya So today I am here not because I am feeling down or something, bruh I feel so frustrated and angry not on anyone else but me myself!   Why I am being such a disc and not studying? He said I am going to be a loser because I am not studying maybe, I am not putting efforts  I am not giving it what it takes, why I am such a fool. I opted for it because somewhere I knew I would do this. I am hardworking, not start working tho. I want to study, I am not mumbling that I am so good at this, but I somewhere feel that I cannot do this, I wanna cry and scream and feel it I am such a stupid creep. I cannot even study properly! They are spending a lot on me! And look at me, not caring even. I want to do it. I want to study! But why I am not putting in that effort? I am so unsatisfied with myself that I cannot even believe that is it the real me? Bruh, I am not giving it even 10%. I have to do something else I am not gonna...