Life? Fucked up life!

Okay so heya! Haha

I am in the worst condition again! 

As expected! Hehe

Okay, let me put the date on! (22 June 2021)

Umm okay, to be honest, I don't think I can take it anymore. It's too hard on me. I accept that I am weak and naive and childish to understand it fully! Today I wanted to harm myself again. I wanted to do it so that I can let my emotions out, but for some reason, I am not able to show any of it. It may sound childish but for some reason, I cannot show them, I can't cry, feel pain, fear, pressure. All I feel is anxiety and some sort of thing that is eating me inside. I want to let it out but I don't even know that what it is. I feel so terrible. I wanted to see that I can cry or not, I wanted to feel pain because it is oddly satisfying. I want to cry my heart out so that I don't mourn over some unknown pain anymore. I don't know what it is. If you say that I should share it with someone, I become so blank that I couldn't even come up with a topic to tell them. I should genuinely share this with him but I don't know-how, and most importantly what to share? Everything, you say? But I don't know where to start from and I really wanna fix myself up, or I will screw everything again. I do laugh, but there is pain behind that smile of mine. Do I need help? No, I don't I just want to hug and cry and cry and let it out, but then I question myself that what are you crying for? Well, I don't know maybe I want inner peace. But at times I feel I am at peace around someone special. But no bruh! I don't want to be in L-O-V-E again as I know how things went last time. It will screw me and everyone. I feel so stupid and frustrated. even while writing this I should be crying but I am not? Why did you ask?  Because I do it every time while letting this emotion out. But look! I am changed! *evil laugh* it's not a good chance. I don't want to hurt people who are with me, I cannot focus on my damn studies. M is excepting a lot from me and I am not even giving him 1% of it. Why? Because of this foolish overthinking, I am fucked!

FUCK IT, FUCK MY USELESS GOOD-FOR-NOTHING LIFE.

WHY DON'T I JUST VANISH!  I want to go away! 

Okay so I wanted to self-harm and then instantly he called idk how :/ I didn't attend the call because I was not in the condition to talk. Else I would choke and cry and haha idk. We talked nothing, just talked and I felt kinda good. So don't want you to know this but you saved my ass haha! 

Lmao, then I made a butterfly hehe, he sent me an umm post and it came up and saved me. Okay, so you gonna help me without knowing anything? 😂 How can I not fall for ya? Whatever

Again! I am fine now, still emotionless XD but I will get used to it.  

TTYL! 

:)